Really I have been left behind....

Okay I am realizing that I am truly left behind today. My sister is off to Gatlinburg, my in-laws are in Florida, becky is gone and most of my coworkers are apparently off this week.

Maggie seems better today after a night in her room with the humidifier. She also did great today. When we got there this morning I got the boys set up with breakfast and then took Maggie down to her room. She was a little clingy but not a tear. She had a couple of little friends there and she let me go easily. It's sort of bitter sweet for a parent because you want to be the one that they can't do without but I think it shows a lot about how well adjusted and trusting she can be.

It made me think back to getting matthew full time which was almost exactly a year ago. He moved in full time the day after we got back from Spain last year. He has come really far since that time. In that time he has moved from Daddy Jason and Momma Becky to momma and dadda. In fact just tonight at bedtime he leaned in to kiss my cheek and whispered dadda I miss momma. When I think about the year that we have had I am grateful for many things. I think most of all is the acceptance we have received from our parents and family. I have thought about this for a long time but am only saying it now. There are so many people that are impacted by the choice to bring a new child into the home. None of them got a vote but each was expected to live with our decisions. My parents and Becky's accepted Matthew with open arms. That is truly impressive and has been inspiring to me. It seemed like things didn't miss a beat, it was just like he was supposed to be there on the floor wrestling with grandad all this time. I don't know how they really felt but our parents have been a huge part of the success we had over the past year. Matthew would generally rather be at Nana & Paps or Granny & Grandads then at home playing with his toys. That is how it should be. I am seeing that being a parent is a life long job and becky and I are very lucky to have had involved parents who even now are modeling. I am also grateful for Kimmie who makes us feel as if we are part of the family. I know Austin and Maggie would agree. She has been a welcome and needed addition to our family.

It has been frustrating having three at times but also amazing. It was also very hard for me to accept that there were only three instead of four but I trust that God knew what was best. He has helped me through a very difficult time. There has been a lot of guilt and pain from the loss of Matthew's sister. All I can say is that I can't imagine the pain from the loss of a child because just this experience has been very tough for me. Still, God was there as always and becky was a rock. There was also dissapointment with my parenting. I wanted to love matthew as mine from day one but it has taken time. I am only now truly learning to love him for who he is. That is something I have found many struggle with when they adopt but often don't discuss. It has been so helpful to remember what we were taught in foster classes, "fake it until you make it". There couldn't be better advice. It takes time to feel like a child is fully your own but they don't have to know about it. I am impressed by Matthew's sweet nature and ability to deal with life as it is presented. I choose to believe he will have a charmed life he certainly deserves it.

Well I'll stop talking about this now because I bet there is a good chance becky and debbie are already crying. You may be the only two who will read this anyway. Austin just woke up to go poop (you can't make this stuff up) so I'd better hurry because he just announced to me he is done. I'll say today went well and I am thankful that God has time even for the small things in my life. Starbucks for breakfast and pizza for dinner. I did stop at the grocery store tonight so maybe we will be a little healthier tomorrow. No promises though. We miss you mommy and love you.